How to talk to your child about disabilities

When will my child become aware of people's differences?

Babies and toddlers are very accepting of people's differences. It doesn't matter to them if a person is Black, white, older, younger, visibly disabled or otherwise.

By the age of four, you may notice that your preschooler starts to become more aware of these differences. They may notice if someone doesn't look, talk, walk, or behave in the same way as other people.

If your preschooler asks questions about these differences, try not to worry. It's natural for them to be curious and it's important that you answer these questions appropriately. Your response to their first innocent observations will lay the foundations for the way your child treats other people as they grow up.

How to begin talking about disabilities with your preschooler

Look for an opening
If your preschooler notices that someone has a disability, use this opportunity to start a conversation about people's differences. Get your little one to think about how we are all different: our hair and skin colour, the way we dress, our ages, our likes and dislikes.

This can lead on to talking about disabilities. Get your child to think about how we all do things in different ways. Most people walk, but some people use a wheelchair. Some people can't see, so they may have a guide dog or a white stick to help them get around.

In this way, you are helping your child to accept all the ways that people can be different from them.

Answer questions directly
Preschoolers often have the unique ability to ask the most inappropriate questions at the worst of times! In a situation like this, try not to tell your preschooler to be quiet, even if you feel embarrassed by what has been said. Most people realise that young children say things out of turn, and won’t be offended.

Try to give your child a short and simple response to questions, as short answers are easier for your little one to remember. If they ask you why the man in the supermarket is in a wheelchair, just tell them that he can't use his legs, so he needs help to get around. If you're asked why a deaf woman is using sign language, explain that the woman can't hear, so she talks with her hands.

Be honest with your child. If you don't know the answer to a question your preschooler asks, just say so.

Watch what you say
Take care how you describe people with disabilities. Try not to use outdated, derogatory terms like “handicapped”. Try to put the emphasis on the person and not to describe non-disabled people as "normal". It implies everyone else is abnormal.

When you and your child encounter someone with a visible disability, never say something like "don't stare", or hurry them along. It will immediately alert them to the idea that there is something to be stared at, or avoided. Your preschooler will pick up on the fact that you are treating this person differently, rather than the same as everyone else. If you just carry on as usual, the chances are your preschooler will too.

Emphasise what's the same
It's very important to show your child that while we are different in some ways, we are still the same in lots of other ways. A child may be in a wheelchair, but still enjoys playing catch. A child may have speech difficulties, but still talks using a computer. An older person may not be able to move so quickly, but still enjoys going to the park.

Offer reassurance
Sometimes children worry that a disability is "catching". Let your preschooler know that it doesn't work that way.

Teach respect
If you hear your preschooler referring to someone with a disability as "stupid" or saying that he walks or talks "funny", it’s worth taking a moment to explain how much those words can hurt other people. Make it clear that looking or behaving differently doesn't make someone inferior.

Answers to common preschooler questions about disabilities

"Why doesn't she talk like me?"
Tell your preschooler in simple terms they'll understand: "She has trouble using her mouth to speak," is often enough.

"Why doesn’t he like me?"
Four-year-olds start to become really concerned about who likes them and who doesn't. If a little boy has a disability such as autism, and doesn't interact with others much, your preschooler might wonder why. They may even take it personally. Reassure them and explain that he likes them, but isn't able to show it in the same ways other friends might.

What else you can do?

The wider a range of people your child meets and mixes with, the more accepting they will be of people's differences.

Choose TV programmes that promote diversity.
Look at your child's books and watch lists. If they have no characters with disabilities, or if the treatment of characters with disabilities seems outdated, add some fresh ones to the mix.